The Tinder Chronicles

Single gal in her 20’s checks out Tinder. Wouldn’t say it’s the worst thing I’ve ever tried.

And before you throw tomatoes at me like it’s the effin` La Tomatina, here’s a disclaimer to calm your tits:

[Yes, I did try it out. I have installed and un-installed Tinder from my phone twice. I had EXACTLY ONE Tinder date. No, I did not hook up with any of the guys I have ever texted with on Tinder]. There.

Okay, so why did I sign up on Tinder anyway? (I have asked myself that many times, and here it is again) Well, I wanted to see what it’s like to be as superficial as possible and rate people based on their profile pictures only. If you’re shy and don’t like going out in bars, Tinder is a good alternative. You can check out people without having to actually awkwardly meet them. Also, judging by the fact that you can’t fall in love with someone’s personality at first sight, attraction is a very important factor.

So what’s it like on Tinder? Well… You see picture. You like picture? Swipe right. You no like? Swipe left. Picture might also have description. It may be funny or plain boring. You get to decide if it matches the picture and then make the swipe. Really simple. No need for actually thinking things through. No need for thinking about a line. Unless you already have one, you stud.

giphy

What did I find on Tinder so far?

I would say that there are A LOT of guys on Tinder. Any kind of guys, tbh. The laid back ones really likeĀ checkered shirts, the ones who want to impress the ladies wear suits and probably a bouquet of roses in their hands for their profile picture. You know, like they’re on a “The Bachelor” audition or something.

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Sometimes the guys would be too confident and send the most obnoxious texts, but hey, we can’t judge because this is a hooking-up app, and most of the times you’ll get what you see. Yes, there are probably people who got married after meeting on Tinder, but they also tell their relatives they met at a convention. Oh, and there’s also couples on Tinder. Or maybe just guys who play the Barney Stinson “I’m so hurt after my ex hurt me, please help me get over it” card. You never know. Unless you swipe right. I didn’t.

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Most guys won’t say anything after you have a match. They either have better matches, or really don’t give a sh*t. It’s “very seldom that you’re blessed to find your equal”, in the words of Bey. But don’t get me wrong. I’ve had really nice conversations with guys on Tinder, providing maps for tourists and sometimes just laughing at this whole weird concept that is online dating. Someone actually told me I’m amazing, because I cracked some Friends and Seinfeld jokes. Well of course I am. Hah.

I’ve set my age limit to 35, because I have boundaries. Or whatever. So I have no idea how the “over 35” age group looks like on Tinder and I don’t really want to. But up until there, half of the guys need fashion consultants. Maybe like a quarter of them could do better with their lines, and the other quarter are actually okay, which is why I would advice getting off Tinder and meet me in real life. Just kidding, I’d probably run. Speaking of running. To my first and last (so far) Tinder date, I wore my running shoes, because he said he’s just a little taller than I am. He lied. He was shorter. It was a nice date, but don’t lie to me. We talked for two more days, but then I deactivated Tinder and disappeared without a trail. Oh, the drama. Yes, I can be a b**ch, too. But I DID NOT LIE.

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(Side note for the ladies: teenage boys also lie about their age, just like teenage girls do. If you happen to find 25 year-olds who look like a 17 year old Edward Cullen, abort mission).

And finally, because no one asked this from me and I’m still willing to give it to you, some tips and tricks for the inexperienced, new to Tinder, wants to get some guy:

  • If you’re kissing a girl in your profile picture, you’re not getting any. If you have an arm around her, not gonna work either. Is it your sister? We don’t know that. *swipes left*
  • If you’re married and I probably know you (small town, fyi), get off Tinder. *swipes left* *ughs*
  • If you’re over 40 and don’t really get social media, this is not Instagram or just another social app. What are you doing here? *swipes left* AGAIN.
  • Putting your name “The Pervert” with no profile picture, chances are you’re not getting any swipes. Are you? Are you, really? *swipes left* *thinks about calling child services*
  • This could be a good description on Tinder:

tony-stark-quotes-2

if, of course, you are Tony Stark/ Iron Man/ Robert Downey Junior. Are you? *swipes right*Ā 

You probably didn’t even want to read this, but I’m pretty sure that my Avengers gifs really made a good impression on you,Ā amirite? High five!

… Please swipe me right.

 

All gifs via giphy.com (love this site, wish I were a gif myself)

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