10 signs you don’t need to read the signs

Marie Claire is really starting to get on my nerves and I still like their page on Facebook for some reason (a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do). They had a pretty interesting article that I didn’t read (of course), called “15 signs you are NOT a morning person”. Wait. What? How can you tell someone who is not a morning person that they are not a morning person? Makes sense to you? Because it most certainly doesn’t make any sense to me. I know I’m not a morning person and I don’t need 15 signs for it. I JUST KNOW, MARIE CLAIRE. I JUST KNOW.

But let’s give them pretty girls a break. Unfortunately I can’t come up with 15 signs I hate Marie Claire. What is really frustrating about these articles on the web is that they keep making stuff up that we actually don’t need in our lives. But when you read them it’s like “OMG, that’s so me”. Some of them do get it right, I’m not complaining. But I don’t need 20 signs I’m addicted to Facebook, I know I am. Or 5 reasons I didn’t iron my blouse this morning (because I knew I was going to work by bus, that’s why).

So here they are. My 10 signs you don’t really need to read that “x signs you are actually reading that shitty article”. I realize this phrase was a little hard to read, but bear with me.

1. Oh. My. God. One of the signs actually applies to you. One out of 100. From an article you didn’t even take time to read.

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2. You will become paranoid and figure out you are depressed by saying “yes” to every sign, even if it’s a Buzzfeed gif list about why Robin Williams was the greatest.

3. Well waddya know, you actually are a girl. Thank God for Marie Claire telling you that in 15 signs, amirite?

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4. Your boyfriend comes to tell you he cheated on you. I think it’s pretty obvious you don’t need to “Find out how to tell if he’s cheating”, *cough cough*.

5. If you’ve just taken a selfie, don’t bother going over that Elle article telling you “10 signs you enjoy taking selfies”. Guilty as charged.

6. Did your device decide it’s time to shutdown or restart when you were just about to read “10 signs you’re addicted to Facebook”? Must be a *sign* from above.

7. Magic number seven here is here to tell you that if you’re really into apple pie, you don’t need 10 more signs to know. Same goes with coffee, vitamin water, saltines at 1 am or whatever you’re addicted to. You just keep doing you.

8. Katy Perry knows how a plastic bag feels like and I bet that song is just another “10 signs you are a firework” article at its core. And I don’t really think anyone has ever known what a plastic bag ever felt like.

Yes, I said ever twice. To emphasize.

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9. “10 signs you’re a feminist”. Number one: do you need someone to tell you what you are or can you stand your ground and explain it yourself?

10. You got over teenage Britney, because why the hell would you need someone to “hit you one more time” in order to give you a sign? … Beats me.

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Whew, I got kinda musical in this one, huh.

Gifs via Tumblr.Ā 

Ā 

Don’t judge me.

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Reasons why you’re just too old for this sh*t

Not a long time ago (merely 24 days or so) I became 24 years old. Please, no applause. I’ve read some really weird crap on the internet about how the brain starts to get old at 24 and so on and so forth and I cannot bare it. Or is it bear it? Or maybe beer it? Yeah, maybe beer it.

Anyway. In my family we always exaggerate age, so if my brother would be 18, mom would always say he’s 20. You do the math with my age, `cause I’ve Ā just beered it and I can’t even. Buzzfeed says “I can’t even” is something a teenager would say but I hate teenagers so… I guess it’s just me being young. And hip. And awesome.

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Moving on. So I have absolutely no idea how old you are and how old you feel like you are, but I gathered some “symptoms” from my own experience (boo hoo) and this is how you know you’re too old for this sh*t:

1. If you have to compare the sound of your washing machine with the sound of trance music to know that you’re listening to trance music, then you’re too old for this sh*t. (But then again, I think everybody does that no matter the age, so…)

2. If your profile picture on Facebook is not a #selfie, you’re too old for this sh*t.

3. If you have to carry wet paper towels in your bag because you just know you’re going to spill something on yourself at some point, you’re too old for this sh*t.

4. If you’re the “We gotta go” person when you go out with your friends, then you’re too old for this sh*t.

5. If you’re too happy to dance on THISĀ when it’s playing in the club, you’re too old for this sh*t. Or you’re in an Eastern European club. Or they’re just too old for even owning a club. Or it’s just the wrong club.

6. If you have no idea what a gif is, you’re too old for this sh*t. And you also disappoint me.

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7. If you believe that brown is the best color ever, you’re too old for this sh*t.

8. If you start liking your friend’s baby photos, you’re too old for this sh*t. And hey, no offense to my friends with babies. You’re cool and I like kids.

9. If you start telling other people what they should do with their lives, you’re too old for this sh*t.

10. If your new favorite catch phrases are “I’m young at heart” or “Old, but wise”, you’re trying too hard, and you get the point.

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11. If your name is James Franco and you keep posting half naked selfies on Instagram, you’re too old for this sh*t.

But we like it. Sincerely, the girls on the internet.

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(all gifs from giphy.com)