The Tinder Chronicles

Single gal in her 20’s checks out Tinder. Wouldn’t say it’s the worst thing I’ve ever tried.

And before you throw tomatoes at me like it’s the effin` La Tomatina, here’s a disclaimer to calm your tits:

[Yes, I did try it out. I have installed and un-installed Tinder from my phone twice. I had EXACTLY ONE Tinder date. No, I did not hook up with any of the guys I have ever texted with on Tinder]. There.

Okay, so why did I sign up on Tinder anyway? (I have asked myself that many times, and here it is again) Well, I wanted to see what it’s like to be as superficial as possible and rate people based on their profile pictures only. If you’re shy and don’t like going out in bars, Tinder is a good alternative. You can check out people without having to actually awkwardly meet them. Also, judging by the fact that you can’t fall in love with someone’s personality at first sight, attraction is a very important factor.

So what’s it like on Tinder? Well… You see picture. You like picture? Swipe right. You no like? Swipe left. Picture might also have description. It may be funny or plain boring. You get to decide if it matches the picture and then make the swipe. Really simple. No need for actually thinking things through. No need for thinking about a line. Unless you already have one, you stud.

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What did I find on Tinder so far?

I would say that there are A LOT of guys on Tinder. Any kind of guys, tbh. The laid back ones really like checkered shirts, the ones who want to impress the ladies wear suits and probably a bouquet of roses in their hands for their profile picture. You know, like they’re on a “The Bachelor” audition or something.

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Sometimes the guys would be too confident and send the most obnoxious texts, but hey, we can’t judge because this is a hooking-up app, and most of the times you’ll get what you see. Yes, there are probably people who got married after meeting on Tinder, but they also tell their relatives they met at a convention. Oh, and there’s also couples on Tinder. Or maybe just guys who play the Barney Stinson “I’m so hurt after my ex hurt me, please help me get over it” card. You never know. Unless you swipe right. I didn’t.

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Most guys won’t say anything after you have a match. They either have better matches, or really don’t give a sh*t. It’s “very seldom that you’re blessed to find your equal”, in the words of Bey. But don’t get me wrong. I’ve had really nice conversations with guys on Tinder, providing maps for tourists and sometimes just laughing at this whole weird concept that is online dating. Someone actually told me I’m amazing, because I cracked some Friends and Seinfeld jokes. Well of course I am. Hah.

I’ve set my age limit to 35, because I have boundaries. Or whatever. So I have no idea how the “over 35” age group looks like on Tinder and I don’t really want to. But up until there, half of the guys need fashion consultants. Maybe like a quarter of them could do better with their lines, and the other quarter are actually okay, which is why I would advice getting off Tinder and meet me in real life. Just kidding, I’d probably run. Speaking of running. To my first and last (so far) Tinder date, I wore my running shoes, because he said he’s just a little taller than I am. He lied. He was shorter. It was a nice date, but don’t lie to me. We talked for two more days, but then I deactivated Tinder and disappeared without a trail. Oh, the drama. Yes, I can be a b**ch, too. But I DID NOT LIE.

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(Side note for the ladies: teenage boys also lie about their age, just like teenage girls do. If you happen to find 25 year-olds who look like a 17 year old Edward Cullen, abort mission).

And finally, because no one asked this from me and I’m still willing to give it to you, some tips and tricks for the inexperienced, new to Tinder, wants to get some guy:

  • If you’re kissing a girl in your profile picture, you’re not getting any. If you have an arm around her, not gonna work either. Is it your sister? We don’t know that. *swipes left*
  • If you’re married and I probably know you (small town, fyi), get off Tinder. *swipes left* *ughs*
  • If you’re over 40 and don’t really get social media, this is not Instagram or just another social app. What are you doing here? *swipes left* AGAIN.
  • Putting your name “The Pervert” with no profile picture, chances are you’re not getting any swipes. Are you? Are you, really? *swipes left* *thinks about calling child services*
  • This could be a good description on Tinder:

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if, of course, you are Tony Stark/ Iron Man/ Robert Downey Junior. Are you? *swipes right* 

You probably didn’t even want to read this, but I’m pretty sure that my Avengers gifs really made a good impression on you, amirite? High five!

… Please swipe me right.

 

All gifs via giphy.com (love this site, wish I were a gif myself)

The one with the bucket list.

First things first: I know you’re not supposed to put a full stop at the end of a title, but I’m a rebel that way. In your face, rules.

So yeah, anyway, even if I have 2 posts that I’ve been postponing for a while (I kind of complain in one of them so you’re better off for now; and by you, I mean you 5 readers that follow this God forsaken blog that not even my friends read), but I was just watching one of Anna Akana’s videos on YouTube where she talks about her bucket list. And as I am a grown up now, who just realized she hasn’t really accomplished anything so far *cough cough*, I had the epiphany of writing a bucket list.

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The thing is, I’m sorry if I disappoint anyone, but it’s not your bucket list, mkay? And also, it’s not an usual one, like “things to do before I die”, but more like “things I want to accomplish in  life”. (Look at me being all dramatic and shit). And you’re not getting it all. I do have a private life, Facebook. Trust me, I do.

Here goes nothing.

1. Write at least 10 items of my bucket list on my blog. 

Haha, gotcha.

2. OK, I’ll be serious on this one: get a best friend and really try to keep him/her by my side for as long as possible, ’til death do us part. I’ve been going back and forth with my friends, always having trouble with staying best friends with someone. Fights, distance, disappointment can always happen, but I keep trying because I know there’s someone out there. Or just a cat, amirite?

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3. Figure out what I want to with my life and start doing it. Like I said, I don’t feel like I have done something important in my life so far. It’s really hard for me to answer the question “What are you most proud of?” when I hear it in job interviews or people I’m working or networking with.  So I go with superficial answers to quickly cover up. Therefore, I’m really determined to find what I’m good at, and yes, that is a very valid bucket list item, even if I’m 50 when I find it.

4. Wow, 4 already? Kewl. Visit New York city. My friends are probably bored hearing this over and over again, but I really want to see the filthy streets of NYC, and inhale the fresh air in the subway or stumble upon the rats at the corner of the streets where people throw their garbage. There’s just something romantic about that, you know?

5. Fall in love. I will not talk about this, though, I just mentioned it so people would think I’m romantic. Which I’m not. Don’t judge me. *listening to Omarion in the background* *I got this ice box blah blah blah*

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6. Start a damn YouTube channel already. One day, man. ONE. DAY.

7. Help someone out. No one has ever thanked me for helping so far, and that’s because I didn’t feel like I was doing them a favor or helping them out either, probably. And I also believe we are a little selfish when we do something just to hear a “thank you” back. And that’s not the kind of help I’m willing to give.

8. Get a tattoo. I’ll probably regret it for the rest of my life, but I actually want one. Pain, yeah, bring it!

9. Live in another country for at least a year. Work, have a life, meet new people, cry on Skype when talking to mom, that sort of stuff.

10. Whew, 10 already. Hmm, I give number 10 to drinking more water. Sounds like a New Year’s resolution, but hey, it’s for great health, and I need great health in order to fulfill the rest 90 things on my bucket list that you have no idea about. Hah. Told you I have a life outside Facebook!

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I’m sorry. I took all the gifs from Google Images and I didn’t bother to get the URL for each one. 

 

 

Gettin` jiggy with it

Curious title, meant to get your attention and read all the blah-blahs I can actually think of and write down on my blog. But I’m really feeling in the mood to let it out and try to be funny. It’s a hell of a job and quite frankly I’m thinking of becoming a stand-up comedian, my only flaw being I really like sitting down. And I’m pretty sure you heard this joke before but I like to think I came up with it, as I haven’t actually seen it anywhere. Anyway.

So I was at the mall today acting all superficial and judgmental about the other people around me who looked like they had money to buy better clothes than me. Needless to say, a KFC dinner was involved and I couldn’t help but imagine how hard my life would have been if I wasn’t wearing a stretchy dress. Thank. The. Universe. Isn’t it always like this, though? Shopping round, food round. And hey, life tip: don’t wear new clothes if you know you’re having a fast food lunch/dinner. I mean it. Think about it. Wouldn’t it be easier if these kind of companies would actually mean what they say in their tagline/description/whatever?

Case study 1: “KFC, that’s so good”. Bullsh*t. I mean, it is THAT good. But it’d be a lot easier if they could give you a heads up: “Unbutton your pants, it’s KFC time”. Awesome. Straight forward, real. Just the way I like it. Or: “Stop lying to yourself, you’re not on a diet”. And we all know diet food doesn’t taste just like chicken, now, does it? Or: “You’ll see how good it is… when you’re done eating”. G.R.E.A.T. Aaaand, my personal favorite: “Die like Elvis”. I’m wondering if Elvis went to Heaven, because damn, KFC is delicious.

*wink wink*
*wink wink*

Case study 2: “Subway. Eat fresh”. Oh, pleeease. How can you tell me to eat fresh? Do you, dear Subway, sell apple  sandwiches? No? Natural orange juice? No? What do you have then? Aaah, bacon. MY. FAV. Therefore, the logical way to go in this case could be “We know you like to lie to yourself about eating fresh even though you’re eating the same things as you do at KFC”. Which is fast food. Deliciously fast cooked bacon. Mmm. I’ll just come to you when I’m on a diet and imagine how I’m losing weight while eating a five foot long BLT. *that’s what she said*

ahem.
ahem.

And last, but not least…

Case study 3: “McDonald’s. I’m lovin’ it”. Oh, that Justin Timberlake song. All I’m sayin`. And since we’re on the music side here… Why isn’t it “McDonald’s. Gettin` jiggy with it”? Wouldn’t we all like to get a little jiggy with a McChicken? Mhmm. Or: “McDonald’s. Why’d you only call me when you’re drunk”? Because everybody knows it’s the BEST HANGOVER FOOD EVER. Side note: I particularly enjoy the Arctic Monkeys.

Either way,

truth be spoken!
truth be spoken!

 

*all gifs from giphy.com*