Gettin` jiggy with it

Curious title, meant to get your attention and read all the blah-blahs I can actually think of and write down on my blog. But I’m really feeling in the mood to let it out and try to be funny. It’s a hell of a job and quite frankly I’m thinking of becoming a stand-up comedian, my only flaw being I really like sitting down. And I’m pretty sure you heard this joke before but I like to think I came up with it, as I haven’t actually seen it anywhere. Anyway.

So I was at the mall today acting all superficial and judgmental about the other people around me who looked like they had money to buy better clothes than me. Needless to say, a KFC dinner was involved and I couldn’t help but imagine how hard my life would have been if I wasn’t wearing a stretchy dress. Thank. The. Universe. Isn’t it always like this, though? Shopping round, food round. And hey, life tip: don’t wear new clothes if you know you’re having a fast food lunch/dinner. I mean it. Think about it. Wouldn’t it be easier if these kind of companies would actually mean what they say in their tagline/description/whatever?

Case study 1: “KFC, that’s so good”. Bullsh*t. I mean, it is THAT good. But it’d be a lot easier if they could give you a heads up: “Unbutton your pants, it’s KFC time”. Awesome. Straight forward, real. Just the way I like it. Or: “Stop lying to yourself, you’re not on a diet”. And we all know diet food doesn’t taste just like chicken, now, does it? Or: “You’ll see how good it is… when you’re done eating”. G.R.E.A.T. Aaaand, my personal favorite: “Die like Elvis”. I’m wondering if Elvis went to Heaven, because damn, KFC is delicious.

*wink wink*
*wink wink*

Case study 2: “Subway. Eat fresh”. Oh, pleeease. How can you tell me to eat fresh? Do you, dear Subway, sell apple  sandwiches? No? Natural orange juice? No? What do you have then? Aaah, bacon. MY. FAV. Therefore, the logical way to go in this case could be “We know you like to lie to yourself about eating fresh even though you’re eating the same things as you do at KFC”. Which is fast food. Deliciously fast cooked bacon. Mmm. I’ll just come to you when I’m on a diet and imagine how I’m losing weight while eating a five foot long BLT. *that’s what she said*

ahem.
ahem.

And last, but not least…

Case study 3: “McDonald’s. I’m lovin’ it”. Oh, that Justin Timberlake song. All I’m sayin`. And since we’re on the music side here… Why isn’t it “McDonald’s. Gettin` jiggy with it”? Wouldn’t we all like to get a little jiggy with a McChicken? Mhmm. Or: “McDonald’s. Why’d you only call me when you’re drunk”? Because everybody knows it’s the BEST HANGOVER FOOD EVER. Side note: I particularly enjoy the Arctic Monkeys.

Either way,

truth be spoken!
truth be spoken!

 

*all gifs from giphy.com*

The real things you need to learn by the time you become 24

Given the fact that a month from now I’ll be celebrating my birthday (*cough cough*), thought I’d give this a go and see how much of a smartass I am at 23. I’m sorry for the use of the word “smartass”, but I’m not in the mood of opening Merriam Webster just to sound impressive and give you such a fake illusion about myself. Moving on. Here’s what you need to know, as I learned things by myself and not from Women’s Health magazine, although some of that crap is sometimes pretty legit. Just sayin`.

Read the freaking news. I mean, just go on Google, click News, and read it. Oh, and learn how to search on Google. I know so many people who have no idea of what to do with Google and how to search for things, when it’s so simple. But this is not a tutorial, though. Just figure that by yourself at least by the time you get out of college.

Do your studies. No comment on this one though.

Know what’s good for you. Meaning body, food, people. Choose well. Make sure you know what you’re allergic too (people included) but then again, don’t forget to experiment (again, people included). Eat your food, learn how to cook, but don’t freak out about it. Unless you’re scared to set your house on fire. Haha, just kidding.

Learn to live by yourself. I mean, no problem if you live with your parents, but get ready to meet the real world soon. And rest assured, you’ll learn how to cook for yourself by yourself. Nobody makes better pasta than me now, I am convinced.

Talking about food, and not only, have some manners. I mean, not everybody’s interested in your breaking-up conversation on the phone during our common bus ride. And also, imagine the “pleasure” of having date with someone who eats like this:

wcg6

 

Get out of the country once. I’m not telling you “Travel, you need to see these places by the time you’re 24” and all that kind of blah-blahs in Forbes. No. Go to the neighbor country for all I care, or at least get some international friends. Not the ones that say “I love you” instead of “Hello” on Facebook, though.

Since we’re on the Facebook chapter, be social, share (the news on Google or anything), take selfies, you’re in your 20s. Enjoy it. But don’t duckface. Or do, whatever.

Listen to music. Have your ears prepared for everything, though, you never know what you might like.

Have your signature dance moves. I don’t know, do them at home only or out in the city. But have your thing. It’s fun, trust me.

Don’t have ONE favorite song. I mean, think about it. They’re all either about sex, love… Umm… Yeah, sex or love. I mean, can you really choose? Yeah, thought so 😉

Get ready to be disappointed. Even by friends. That doesn’t mean they’re not your friends anymore though. I mean, get ready to disappoint them back. You shall not be able to avoid it (*read in Gandalf voice*).

Know some movies. I’m not telling you to watch all movies since the history of cinematography, but know some titles, watch something. Think of it as common knowledge. Even “American Pie” has some things to teach you. I didn’t watch it, though. Did I lose something in life?

Have a favorite TV show to watch. Mine is Suits. But then again, Game of Thrones and House of Cards are pretty badass too. Oops, I said badass again. Didn’t find any clever synonyms, sorry. Anyway, you’re welcome.

Listen to your parents. As cheesy as it sound, they’ve been around on this planet for a longer time and check this out: they took/ still take care of you. Be grateful.

Be kind with other people and try to have some empathy. You can be a jerk, whatever creams your biscuit, but that won’t always bring good things down your path. Because, you know, not everybody likes a jerk. Just be decent.

Try to be good at something, even if that means being able to eat a KFC booster in less than a minute (boo yah!)

wcg6

 

*cough cough*

Sorry for not giving you the “dare to dream” speech, but you’ve probably heard that one too many times to believe it anymore. I know I don’t.  And for the record, you’re not supposed to follow my lead. For all you know, I could be writing this article and be all like:

tumblr_m9je58g5hj1qzqdem

Don’t judge me.