The Tinder Chronicles

Single gal in her 20’s checks out Tinder. Wouldn’t say it’s the worst thing I’ve ever tried.

And before you throw tomatoes at me like it’s the effin` La Tomatina, here’s a disclaimer to calm your tits:

[Yes, I did try it out. I have installed and un-installed Tinder from my phone twice. I had EXACTLY ONE Tinder date. No, I did not hook up with any of the guys I have ever texted with on Tinder]. There.

Okay, so why did I sign up on Tinder anyway? (I have asked myself that many times, and here it is again) Well, I wanted to see what it’s like to be as superficial as possible and rate people based on their profile pictures only. If you’re shy and don’t like going out in bars, Tinder is a good alternative. You can check out people without having to actually awkwardly meet them. Also, judging by the fact that you can’t fall in love with someone’s personality at first sight, attraction is a very important factor.

So what’s it like on Tinder? Well… You see picture. You like picture? Swipe right. You no like? Swipe left. Picture might also have description. It may be funny or plain boring. You get to decide if it matches the picture and then make the swipe. Really simple. No need for actually thinking things through. No need for thinking about a line. Unless you already have one, you stud.

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What did I find on Tinder so far?

I would say that there are A LOT of guys on Tinder. Any kind of guys, tbh. The laid back ones really like checkered shirts, the ones who want to impress the ladies wear suits and probably a bouquet of roses in their hands for their profile picture. You know, like they’re on a “The Bachelor” audition or something.

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Sometimes the guys would be too confident and send the most obnoxious texts, but hey, we can’t judge because this is a hooking-up app, and most of the times you’ll get what you see. Yes, there are probably people who got married after meeting on Tinder, but they also tell their relatives they met at a convention. Oh, and there’s also couples on Tinder. Or maybe just guys who play the Barney Stinson “I’m so hurt after my ex hurt me, please help me get over it” card. You never know. Unless you swipe right. I didn’t.

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Most guys won’t say anything after you have a match. They either have better matches, or really don’t give a sh*t. It’s “very seldom that you’re blessed to find your equal”, in the words of Bey. But don’t get me wrong. I’ve had really nice conversations with guys on Tinder, providing maps for tourists and sometimes just laughing at this whole weird concept that is online dating. Someone actually told me I’m amazing, because I cracked some Friends and Seinfeld jokes. Well of course I am. Hah.

I’ve set my age limit to 35, because I have boundaries. Or whatever. So I have no idea how the “over 35” age group looks like on Tinder and I don’t really want to. But up until there, half of the guys need fashion consultants. Maybe like a quarter of them could do better with their lines, and the other quarter are actually okay, which is why I would advice getting off Tinder and meet me in real life. Just kidding, I’d probably run. Speaking of running. To my first and last (so far) Tinder date, I wore my running shoes, because he said he’s just a little taller than I am. He lied. He was shorter. It was a nice date, but don’t lie to me. We talked for two more days, but then I deactivated Tinder and disappeared without a trail. Oh, the drama. Yes, I can be a b**ch, too. But I DID NOT LIE.

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(Side note for the ladies: teenage boys also lie about their age, just like teenage girls do. If you happen to find 25 year-olds who look like a 17 year old Edward Cullen, abort mission).

And finally, because no one asked this from me and I’m still willing to give it to you, some tips and tricks for the inexperienced, new to Tinder, wants to get some guy:

  • If you’re kissing a girl in your profile picture, you’re not getting any. If you have an arm around her, not gonna work either. Is it your sister? We don’t know that. *swipes left*
  • If you’re married and I probably know you (small town, fyi), get off Tinder. *swipes left* *ughs*
  • If you’re over 40 and don’t really get social media, this is not Instagram or just another social app. What are you doing here? *swipes left* AGAIN.
  • Putting your name “The Pervert” with no profile picture, chances are you’re not getting any swipes. Are you? Are you, really? *swipes left* *thinks about calling child services*
  • This could be a good description on Tinder:

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if, of course, you are Tony Stark/ Iron Man/ Robert Downey Junior. Are you? *swipes right* 

You probably didn’t even want to read this, but I’m pretty sure that my Avengers gifs really made a good impression on you, amirite? High five!

… Please swipe me right.

 

All gifs via giphy.com (love this site, wish I were a gif myself)

Men are crazy

Yes, you read that right. It doesn’t say “women” for some reason, although that one could also make a lot of sense as well. We all know that, feminist remarks aside.

The dating world is weird, I’ll give it that. But how can men complain about women being crazy when they are in the same mental condition? [Woo hoo, we’re equal. Yey feminism]. I’m not gonna talk about men’s expectations, because everybody has their own choices and can be as picky as they like, and they’re at the same far fetched level as women’s expectations of men. Referring to straight people here, thanks for noticing. What I am going to mention is the fact that men have lost their “touch”. And I’m really sorry if some crazy a** chicks did that to your brains, but why can’t anyone take a hint anymore, amirite?

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It goes a little something like this.

Every single time I say I like someone, I immediately hear the line: “Well, then, do something about it!”

And that line gives me such a boost I could climb Mount Everest dressed in a swim suit because I’m that awesome!

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Bulls**t. What I do is actually try and make things happen. You know, like starting conversations, laughing at his jokes (even if they’re not the funniest…), asking about his day. You know, PAYING ATTENTION. All this while at the same time giving him the chance to do something himself. Because since we’re all equal here (…), why the hell am I the only one trying? Take a hint. Act your part. Do something.

Another line I get when I say I like someone is: “Well, then, talk openly about it!”

And that line gives me such a boost that I could swim all the way to a deserted island and save a tribe from hunger!

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Bulls**t. Of course you can’t  address it, because when you openly talk about it, they say you’re crazy and that you’re too blunt and that they like a little mystery in a woman. Plus, where’s the thrill of “the hunt”?

Just make up your mind, men. Really now.

It’s not just women who are crazy. Women would be just fine with adapting to whatever men want, seriously. Because that’s what they’ve been doing so far. Look it up in history books.

To let you in a little secret: all women want is attention. In any form. A look from across the bar in a club. A text saying “Hi” or “Hello, gorgeous.” (depends on your preferences… I ain’t judging… that much) or anything with proper grammar. Opening the car door. Asking for help. It’s the same sh*t anyone would ask for anyway, because it’s called common sense.

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P.S. No, this is not about the friendzone. That is a concept that has been invented by some fraternity dudes who couldn’t possibly think all you can be with a girl is just friends. You know, college. And as I remember correctly, I’m not in college anymore.

Because we all grow up, thank the Universe.

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Don’t judge me.

*all giphs from giphy.com*